A List Of Excuses For My Mother (Poetry)

I try hard to imagine how
it must have been for you
your home haunted for those tender years
by the ghost of your own mother
not quite dead but lingering for so long
on the very edge

The solitude of a house
not really empty but almost so
the body on the bed barely breathing
the room holding each shallow breath
curtains unable to blow
in the too-still air

The suffocating quietness that seeped out
contaminating every room and disallowing
easy laughter — silly games — lightheartedness
everything subdued ... idling grim time away
once it was too late to pray
for the smallest of miracles

And death dawdled — took a cruel age
stole more than one life
in its lazy way
Afterwards you hardly spoke about her
like you blamed her for the misery
you caught — infected with a cold rage
                                                unbending

The grandmother I never knew
cannot speak — she’s locked away forever
in the frozen heart of you
You deny her any voice so I invent her —
an angel weaved in sheets and drugged
against your fierce resentment over pain
                                        and shared punishment

And if you saw anything of her in me
you never mentioned it
for fear perhaps of tempting fate
that flawed genetic heritage
you dare not contemplate
so block the past — no looking back

Maybe I understand more than you think
perhaps it’s time to cut a little slack
so I might excuse you more
if only you would give the merest inch or two
just simply talk about her now and then
allow her spirit to come through
                                        at last