Filthy Shades O'Grey (Poetry)
14th July 2013
Oh, that Fifty Shades O’ Grey ’as got me thinkin’
me love life’s not so ’ot — it’s lackin’ spice
I’ll mebe get mesel’ some saucy undies —
a latex corset — that’ud go down nice!
I’ll hafta splash out on them fishnet stockin’s —
I’ve sin Ann Summers’ winda in the mall —
all peephole bras ’n’ frilly crotchless knickers —
now there’s a liberated kinda gal!
But where t’get them whips ’n’ chains is tricky —
I don’t ’spect Asda stocks that sorta stuff
’n’ thigh-length boots — black leather smooth ’n’ kinky
would liven up proceedin’s right enough!
Candles — lotsa candles — red ’n’ scented
a glass or two o’ Tesco’s Value Red
(or some ol’ plonk) to get ’im feelin’ mellow
an’ then I’ll tie ’im naked t’ the bed.
I’ll prance a bit — ’n’ dance a bit — ’n’ wiggle —
should get a raise in ’ousekeepin’ at least
before I lets ’im tickle what ’e fancies
’n’ play the game — I’ll tame ’is big ol’ beast!
I read the book — it’s funny ’ow it grabs yer
’til then the “only-once-a-week” was fine —
but now I gets that naughty itch more offen
I’m plannin’ ’ow to really blow ’is mind!
So, thanks to E L James I’ve found me ‘on’ switch
’n’ me libido’s shot right through the roof
I ’aven’t felt this frisky since the sixties
now I’m ’ot as Bombay curry — that’s the truth!
Excuse me while I check me Karma Sutra
it’s amazin’ ’ow they make the body bend —
I know it’s ‘Art’, but blimey! — bet the artist
(forgive the pun) came to a sticky end!
It’s criminal to think what I’ve bin missin’ —
the pleasure garden’s been there all along
and I could learn to be a dominatrix
in red stilettos ’n’ me satin thong!
Forget the ’ousework — cookin’ — cleanin’ — ironin’ —
I’ve other fish t’ fry — freed from the rut
I’ve found me nat’ral role — me new ambition’s
t’be a brazen full-time super-slut!
me love life’s not so ’ot — it’s lackin’ spice
I’ll mebe get mesel’ some saucy undies —
a latex corset — that’ud go down nice!
I’ll hafta splash out on them fishnet stockin’s —
I’ve sin Ann Summers’ winda in the mall —
all peephole bras ’n’ frilly crotchless knickers —
now there’s a liberated kinda gal!
But where t’get them whips ’n’ chains is tricky —
I don’t ’spect Asda stocks that sorta stuff
’n’ thigh-length boots — black leather smooth ’n’ kinky
would liven up proceedin’s right enough!
Candles — lotsa candles — red ’n’ scented
a glass or two o’ Tesco’s Value Red
(or some ol’ plonk) to get ’im feelin’ mellow
an’ then I’ll tie ’im naked t’ the bed.
I’ll prance a bit — ’n’ dance a bit — ’n’ wiggle —
should get a raise in ’ousekeepin’ at least
before I lets ’im tickle what ’e fancies
’n’ play the game — I’ll tame ’is big ol’ beast!
I read the book — it’s funny ’ow it grabs yer
’til then the “only-once-a-week” was fine —
but now I gets that naughty itch more offen
I’m plannin’ ’ow to really blow ’is mind!
So, thanks to E L James I’ve found me ‘on’ switch
’n’ me libido’s shot right through the roof
I ’aven’t felt this frisky since the sixties
now I’m ’ot as Bombay curry — that’s the truth!
Excuse me while I check me Karma Sutra
it’s amazin’ ’ow they make the body bend —
I know it’s ‘Art’, but blimey! — bet the artist
(forgive the pun) came to a sticky end!
It’s criminal to think what I’ve bin missin’ —
the pleasure garden’s been there all along
and I could learn to be a dominatrix
in red stilettos ’n’ me satin thong!
Forget the ’ousework — cookin’ — cleanin’ — ironin’ —
I’ve other fish t’ fry — freed from the rut
I’ve found me nat’ral role — me new ambition’s
t’be a brazen full-time super-slut!