How To Deal With Customers - A Training Guide (Poetry)

The general public, as a rule, are something of a pain
but, shown a firm discouragement, won’t bother you again.
So, adopt a bored expression when they clutter up the shop,
queuing hopeful by the counters or untidying the stock,
and if you’re asked for anything don’t look them in the eye;
pretend you’ve never heard of it; shrug doubtfully and sigh;
appear distracted; glance away and, should they linger on,
just disappear for half an hour until you’re sure they’ve gone.
Never volunteer your help or offer information:
be abrupt, aloof or rude and add to their frustration
then, with luck, they’ll take the hint and head towards the door,
while muttering their sad complaints forlornly at the floor.
Take every opportunity to make them ill at ease:
scowl at tiresome pleas for help, dispense with courtesies.
Should they persist, then waffle on — they’ll swallow what you say,
so tell them anything you like — but make them GO AWAY!
Maintain a chilly attitude: fidget, yawn and pout
as it gets close to closing and it’s time to turf them out.
Hoover round late browsers’ feet; groan amongst yourselves;
glare with venom; dim the lights and stalk between the shelves.
Be icy with your pained “Good Night” and throw the words like
knives,
indicate the ticking clock shows thirty after five.
You’re underpaid and rarely polite, and they’ve got quite a nerve
to think you’ve nothing else to do but wait around and serve.
The customer’s no longer king, remind him of his place —
the service here comes with a sneer, a smile would crack your face.