So Changed (Poetry)

I fear you would not know me now
                                        my love
for time has proved unkind and less than lucky
and fashioned me an awkward lumpy body
remodelled my whole shape

Since when vanity has pushed me into hiding
it seems I cannot rise above this sense of shame
and horror that my own flesh so betrays me
but who is there I can castigate or blame?

I took for granted limbs that functioned well
proportional — a feminine physique
I guess I flaunted — posed when I was young
and thought I’d have it always.
                                        I was wrong

A sickness took me — turned me inside out
emotionally and ravaged every joint
I feared I’d be a cripple in a chair
helpless and dependent as a child
so I fought and fought to turn the curse about

Like land reclaimed — those fields I used to own
inch by inch regaining what I could
by stubborn will — refusal to accept
this rash capitulation of my flesh
to an enemy attacking while I slept

I won’t recount the battles lost or won
the diary notes it somewhere — fearful words
told to no one — chronicles that said everything
and nothing much beside ...
Recovery was slow and not entire
fever cools but flesh retains its memory
                                of skirmishes with fire

My body now a Trojan horse of multiple surprises
Death’s ugly little soldiers bide their time
we play a ghastly waiting game

Meanwhile I cover up the best I can
acknowledge nothing stays the same
                                                my love
you wouldn’t recognise me now
life finds me so
                    so changed