Textbook (Poetry)

I would like to go back — back
back to the beginning
and study again
for the endless exam
that is motherhood

The coursework a prodding
of instinct and dream
notes in the margins
scrawled sleepless nights
to the tune of new wailing
and mystery losing
sly marks

No E for effort
no comfort in trying
failure decided
right at the outset
the crosses lined up
wall to wall

But if I could go back
and resit with the knowledge
of what I’ve learned since
I’d cut out the hard stuff —
the loving and caring —
I’d take the easy route —
swallow the textbook
and cheat
                the lousy critics