The Birthday Party (Monologue)

A monologue in the style of Joyce Grenfell

“Right then Benjamin, I think we’re ready. Do at least try and stay tidy until your friends arrive. Yes, I’m sure they’ll be here soon. That’s right — when the big hand’s on the twelve and the little hand’s on the four. See — there’s five minutes to go yet...

Ah! That’s the doorbell. Now, there’s really no need to run, is there? Careful!... Oh Benjamin! I know it was an accident and you didn’t see him there. Poor Cesar! — I’ll give him a nice dish of milk to make up. Will you please calm down Benjamin or you’ll never last the afternoon!

Hello Mrs. Bartram, lovely to see you! You, too, Jeremy! And you’ve bought little Tamsin along as well — how nice! Please do come on in... Yes Jeremy, there is lots to eat. No, we’re going to play games first, aren’t we Benjamin? Yes we are, Benjamin... Now, let’s hang your coats up... Oh, that’s a very pretty dress Tamsin. No Benjamin, she doesn’t look like a lampshade! Don’t take any notice, Tamsin — he’s just being silly. No you’re quite right, he probably doesn’t deserve a present... Benjamin, take Jeremy and Tamsin into the living room. Put the parcel on the table — you can open it in a minute. Oh, you’ve already got the paper off. Yes, that’s a very fine cowboy hat, but do mind the umbrella stand... Oh, really Benjamin! Can’t you be more careful, dear?

Well, goodbye Mrs. Bartram. Shall we say six-thirty-ish? Oh yes, I’m quite sure we’ll be finished by then!

Right-o, what shall we do while we’re waiting for the others? Yes, Jeremy there will be more than just the three of you. No, not hundreds, dear — we’d never fit them all in, would we! Unfortunately, Letitia and Bethany both have chicken pox. But Nigel and Steven are coming, and so is Gloria if her mummy can get the Bentley started... We haven’t heard from Lawrence but his family might be on holiday. We’ll just have to see who turns up! It’s rather exciting, isn’t it! Yes, I know that’s more boys than girls, Tamsin — but there’s nothing to be done, I’m afraid...

You may answer the door, Benjamin, but please don’t charge about. Now, that’s better — and don’t slam the... Oh, heavens above! Yes Tamsin, it could indeed be Gloria... Oh, no — it’s Nigel... and he’s got Steven with him! Good-o. Aren’t you going to take your cap off, Steven? No? Oh well, if you really must keep it on... Yes, it’s a lovely cake but we’re going to play games before we have tea...

What shall we play first? No Nigel, strip poker isn’t a good idea. Well, because it’s for grown-ups. Let’s see — how about pinning the tail on the donkey? Yes, I know it looks easy peasy, Nigel, but it’s quite difficult to do when you’re wearing a blindfold. So, who would like to go first? Steven? Well, it really would be much easier if you’d take you cap off, dear. No, I’m afraid the elastic won’t stretch over the brim. All right then Benjamin — you start. No, please don’t show off. I know it’s your birthday but that doesn’t mean you can be silly. You are supposed to pin it on the donkey, not on Nigel’s bottom. Heehaw to you, too!

Listen! — That’s probably Gloria now. There Tamsin! That’s cheered you up, hasn’t it! Oh, do stop pulling faces, Nigel. Well, we all like Gloria, even if you don’t. Yes you do, Benjamin — or you wouldn’t have sent her an invitation, would you.

Hello, Gloria — come on in, dear. I say, that’s a very posh parcel! Is it? Well, you’re not really supposed to tell him what’s in it, you know. It rather spoils the surprise. Say thank you to Gloria, Benjamin. That’s an awfully nice tractor. Yes, I’m sure it was very expensive...We’re just playing pin the tail on the donkey... Oh, you don’t want to play? Never mind, you can just watch. No, she doesn’t have to, Nigel. Yes Gloria, Tamsin’s dress is lovely... But your jumper is very smart ... Come on, now — don’t cry... Would you like some lemonade? Right-o everyone, let’s all have drinks and then we’ll play musical chairs!

What’s that, Jeremy? No, the chairs don’t have radios in them! Oh, you made a joke! Ha -ha — very amusing! How can you possibly be starving Benjamin, — you had a huge lunch! Oh, very well then. Hands up who wants to have tea now. Oh — you all do! Right, everyone go and wash your hands.

That was quick, Nigel. Are you sure you washed them properly? Well, having a bath yesterday doesn’t mean your hands will stay clean indefinitely... That’s your place, there— between Gloria and Steven. I’m sorry dear, but you can’t all sit next to Benjamin. No, Steven you can’t start with cake. It’s sandwiches first, then jelly and ice cream, and cake comes last. Let’s all put our party hats on then. Well, you really will have to take your cap off first, Steven. Nigel, please give back Steven’s cap. Where’s Gloria gone? Oh, has she... No, I don’t think you need to go and check, Jeremy — I’m certain she can manage on her own. Well, if she’s not back in five minutes... Come on — eat up, then we can all sing Happy Birthday to Benjamin.

Nigel — what are you doing under the table? Oh, I thought Cesar was in the kitchen...Actually, cats don’t like jelly! He has? What, all of it? Well, I must say I am surprised! Anyway, do come out dear, you’re missing all the fun. Tamsin — what have you got in your hand? Yes, I’m sure it does tickle, but put it back in the goldfish bowl, there’s a good girl! Ah, here’s Gloria, at last. Come and sit down, dear — I’m just going to light the candles. Come on everybody, sing up!

No — the proper words, Jeremy. What on earth would your mummy say if she heard you? Yes Gloria, he did say a rude word. No, don’t repeat it. Shush! Now, let’s start again...

Right Benjamin, take a really big breath and blow out the candles. Jolly good! Yes that’s right Nigel, there’s six candles because he is six years old. Now make a wish. No, not out loud, Benjamin. Yes Steven, you can make a wish, too, but I’m not sure that it counts because it isn’t your birthday, is it?

Now, has everyone got a party bag? What’s the matter, Nigel? Well, there weren’t any green balloons in the packet and pink isn’t a stupid colour...Perhaps Gloria would swap you her yellow one... Ah! There’s the doorbell...

Hello again , Mrs. Bartram. Yes, we’ve all had a wonderful time — it’s been such fun having them! No, they’ve been absolutely no trouble at all...