Ungraded (Poetry)

Whatever did I do
to deserve you?
Were you a gift
or punishment?
I’ve pondered long
those conflicting feelings through
trying to settle
the inner argument

Unplanned as any
quirk of fate
Unknown the damage
you might cause
                    in time
I nurtured hopeful — read
the how-to page
blinded by bloodties to
precocious flaws

Duped to be nothing more
than a dumb host
protecting beauty’s cunning
empty-hearted breast
the nest in ruins
when you left
now and then I stab a futile
                                  guess
at whether I passed or failed

your blue-eyed cuckoo’s test
by dint of weak-willed innocence
but better still count myself
more likely dismissed —
                                all effort ungraded
like I didn’t (and don’t) exist