Weight-watching - A Cautionary Tale (Poetry)
22nd August 2021
Miss Cynthia Jane Fitzallenby-Rudge
was incredibly fond of homemade chocolate fudge
plus caramel toffees, pink coconut ice
and she found Belgian truffles exceedingly nice
for it seemed long ago in her dim distant youth
she’d developed a horribly greedy sweet tooth
Now Miss Cynthia Jane had a hunter’s keen eye
when she spotted a sweet shop she couldn’t pass by
but threw open the door and went purposefully in
with a desperate look and a wide drooling grin
and ordered her favourites — box upon box
excited and slapping her overfed chops
By the time she turned forty she weighed fifty stone
but she couldn’t cut back or leave chocolate alone
a real roly-poly — as dumpy and round
as any fat lady who graced a fairground
her clothes made from curtains or styled from a sheet
it had been twenty years since she’d last seen her feet
Then in sheer desperation, Miss C J F-Rudge
plumped for a fast but the pounds failed to budge
although she felt empty and shockingly faint
and prayed like a sinner to every known saint
her shape didn’t change — not one ounce did she shed
so she gobbled ten Mars bars and crawled off to bed
She dreamt of a lettuce grown beautifully green
and a small caterpillar-like eating machine
inbetween every mouthful the creature would talk
as each leaf was gnawed down to a spindly stalk
of the various benefits salad can bring —
like a skin that is clear and a waistline that’s slim
Now Miss Cynthia Jane felt the stirring of hope
and she vowed she would wash out her mouth with strong soap
if she even touched one square of chocolate again
despite the temptation might drive her insane ...
The crash diet proved more than her body could take
but she died pretty happy and thin as a rake
*****
A tragedy for Miss Fitzallenby-Rudge
Too tubby? Too skinny? Who rightly can judge?
was incredibly fond of homemade chocolate fudge
plus caramel toffees, pink coconut ice
and she found Belgian truffles exceedingly nice
for it seemed long ago in her dim distant youth
she’d developed a horribly greedy sweet tooth
Now Miss Cynthia Jane had a hunter’s keen eye
when she spotted a sweet shop she couldn’t pass by
but threw open the door and went purposefully in
with a desperate look and a wide drooling grin
and ordered her favourites — box upon box
excited and slapping her overfed chops
By the time she turned forty she weighed fifty stone
but she couldn’t cut back or leave chocolate alone
a real roly-poly — as dumpy and round
as any fat lady who graced a fairground
her clothes made from curtains or styled from a sheet
it had been twenty years since she’d last seen her feet
Then in sheer desperation, Miss C J F-Rudge
plumped for a fast but the pounds failed to budge
although she felt empty and shockingly faint
and prayed like a sinner to every known saint
her shape didn’t change — not one ounce did she shed
so she gobbled ten Mars bars and crawled off to bed
She dreamt of a lettuce grown beautifully green
and a small caterpillar-like eating machine
inbetween every mouthful the creature would talk
as each leaf was gnawed down to a spindly stalk
of the various benefits salad can bring —
like a skin that is clear and a waistline that’s slim
Now Miss Cynthia Jane felt the stirring of hope
and she vowed she would wash out her mouth with strong soap
if she even touched one square of chocolate again
despite the temptation might drive her insane ...
The crash diet proved more than her body could take
but she died pretty happy and thin as a rake
*****
A tragedy for Miss Fitzallenby-Rudge
Too tubby? Too skinny? Who rightly can judge?