When Did I Last See My Father? (Poetry)

I imagine them asking me
quite casually throwing that question
into our conversation
then watching how I struggled
with no memory
of that final occasion

For I’ve no recollection
when it was or even where
and conscience tells me
I should have taken more care
to diary that event
record the fact faithfully

Maybe it’s guilt that makes me
feel the absence of him daily
and rack my brain for images —
a final glimpse — some clue
to who he was
and how he aged in all
the inbetween time

But my filing system’s shot
there’s no order in the clips
chronologically
frustrating how life slips
and slides odd thoughts
while some torn off like rags
hang accusingly
caught fast on thorns

Locating what he meant to me
becomes more urgent
I need to find
what I have done
with his parental contribution
and bring to mind
each long-buried emotion

I scan my file on him
the screen mocks cold and clear
appalled there is so little information —
who was this man
the one that I called ‘father’?
Quite suddenly I fear
I will be left
with nothing but a faint idea
too vague for me to mourn